Things to do in Tokyo

Aha! A number of nifty suggestions from Da Bomb, currently glued to the ceiling, thanks to her fasting regimen:

'Well Mr. Fearless Tokyo is my favourite place in the world (after Italy) and I could suggest lots of interesting things to do. I imagine you'll be living it up in Tokyo's many fabulous bars or slurping noodle soup in a noodle bar (if you don't slurp its offensive!) maybe strolling through Yogi Park looking at the crazy kids on a Sunday morning (do it, you'll understand) or eating raw blow fish and risking death! But my favourite times when I went were spent in the peaceful surrounds of Buddhist temples. So why don't you go all out and do a fast! (I'm on Day 5 of a 14 day water fast and am quite high as a result so you may not want to listen to me!) It is an amazing experience and coupled with a good deal of meditation I can assure you its better than acid! Maybe listen to some Ramdass, mediate in the hills to the sweet sounds of some Shakuhaci music, wear orange and shave your head (OK you did that already didn't you?). If that doesn't sound like fun, take in a Takarazuka show - basically a group of female actors where some of them play male roles and live their lives as men on stage and off, who many young Japanese girls have huge crushes on. The male impersonators are the biggest stars and play roles of romantic, ideal Westernised men. If it all sounds a bit Tipping the Velvet you're not far off! And my Japanese friends think 'Lost in Translation' was far out in terms of culture shock!'

Of course, I have tried to keep quiet about my past jaunts to Japan, during 1997-2000, which involved my nipple being twisted, my leg being humped and being detained by the police - I am glad I kept it a secret.

Send Kabuki LadyBoys and Scarlett Johansson lookalikes to Fearless.

Fillers & Thrillers...

I need suggestions emailed to me on what to do in Seoul, Tokyo & Taipei over the next few months as I am in the midst of diary planning. Any musings on the phallus of Bhutan's 'Divine Madman' (Lama Drukpa Kunley) will also be welcome. A brotherman that can inspire an entire nation to paint flying phalluses on the outside walls of houses must be a hero. It's on my list for 2006.

Todays link is the poem 'Skydiving' by one of my favourite writers, Ishmael Reed. This is a reading, as opposed to the version set to blues music on the album 'Conjure'.

Bend over & show me your bottom,
Fearless

Lists

What I am supposed to be reading...

• 'Blindness', by Jose Saramago. Started it 2 years ago, so it is deserving of completion
• 'The Polysyllabic Spree', by Nick Hornby. An account of one man's struggle with his library
• 'The Shadow of the Sun', by Ryszard Kapuscinski, recounting his travels in Africa (also check out 'The Soccer War', by the same author)
• 'The Thurber Letters'. The collected wit and wisdom of James Thurber
• 'Unacknowledged Legislation' by Christopher Hitchens
• 'A Love Supreme' by Ashley Kahn. An account of the recording of one of the great John Coltrane albums
• 'The Art of Looking Sideways' by Alan Fletcher. Something I regularly revisit to stimulate my neurons, synapses & axons. Get his 100 Maverick Postcards too.
  
• Back issues of 'The Believer' - so delicious that I can only manage one article per week (thanks D)

What have I dropped? Well...

• 'The Rialto' (as they forget to deliver it)
• 'Brittle Star' (mostly a cure for insomniacs who don't respond to strong drugs)
• 'The New Writer' (An ugly mug on the cover of every issue guaranteed!)
• 'Poetry Now' (it sucks the sweat out of a dead man's balls, and I profoundly regret my association with Anchor Books)
• Frequent masturbation (as I enter a six month spunk-free funk)
  
• WriteWords (it's expansion proved that less is indeed more)
• ABCtales (I registered, but never used it as it was too damn s-l-o-w)
• Masturbation (I told you it was frequent)
  

Mags to fill your fountain pen to:

• The Believer
• Granta
• Ambit
• Poetry Wales
• Rising (now that Timmy has finally got funding)

and in the 'not so bad camp':

• Aesthetica
• Magma (partly because it's also the name for a porn movie studio)

...oh yeah, before I forget - 'Poetry Life' closed due to lack of subscribers.

Ciao for now, Fearless

Growth & Regression

It appears that I am now over the worst of my relapse, having had one great week, only to go and catch a cold. This has been exacerbated by my colleague Simon coming into work today, wearing a jumper with the following attributes:

a) It had a TV test pattern to help you fix your horizontal hold (no, I didn't twiddle his aerial)

b) Made him look like a sinister incarnation of Geoffrey out of ITV's childrens TV show 'Rainbow' (I daren't ask what he did to Bungle, George & Zippy)

c) Made his gait take on a rather mincing demeanour, although to be fair to him, he didn't respond to my request for him to bend over and show me his bottom

I had to leave the office as his jumper made me feel dizzy. Listening to the radio on the way back, I was struck by how Patricia Hewitt, secretary of state for trade and industry in the UK government, seems to have taken speechmeister courses from Margaret Thatcher, and been awarded a distinction for 'talking slowly and patronisingly'. Having met her, I will praise her ability to reply to any question/statement/comment by repeating it back. I find it stunning that some people can talk a lot without actually saying anything, and tragic that many of us don't notice.

The link for today is Desirable Bachelors.


'Anti-Aging Cream'

I found my brand!

It keeps me looking young,

banishing wrinkles, crinkles

and dark circles.

It's long-lasting, smells sweet,

obliterates greyness

and even improves my smile.

I simply love it!

It's called Living.

Young and thatched 

Feeling younger (but alas, balder...)

Homage

While Diddy recovers from his broken wrist (i'll leave you to imagine how he did that), I thought it would be good to revisit one of his earlier career highs, from Xmas 2004 in Stockholm, home of the fantastic Ardberg Room (68 Vasterlanggatan), gorgeous women and wickedly overpriced alcohol.

'The Cistern Kid'

The Cistern Kid
was a friend of mine.

The Cistern Kid
drank lots of beer and wine.

He imbibed more beers
and banished all fears...

'Go on Wozzy, go fuck your luck'

He imbibed more beers and,
banished all fears.

The Cistern Kid
snored all through the night.

The Cistern Kid
broke wind, ruining my night.

The Cistern Kid
decided to bathe awhile.

What I heard was
'rub-a-dub'n'scrub-scrub'.

Then the Cistern Kid
got up from the tub.

But he slipped up
fell out - arms open wide.

I heard 'crack-crash'
and the room flooded awhile.

'I better call reception Wozzy!'

For the Cistern Kid
cracked porcelain that time.

The Cistern Kid
destroyed the bathroom that time.

They inspected the damage
and upgraded our room.

They inspected the damage
and asked us to vacate 329 soon.

We got free Pay-TV in 517
and he stayed naked
in the room until eleven.

The Cistern Kid
was a friend of mine.

The Cistern Kid
then committed
a sticky bedsheet crime.

The Cistern 

The Cistern Kid 

Plans for worldwide humiliation continue...

I have finally decided on both the title for my first collection, and the marketing for it. All I need now is a good lawyer. How does one pick a good lawyer? Tell them what you're going to do, and then ask them if they can keep you out of jail (hint: the answer should be 'yes').

I have pulled out of the line-up for Shortfuse on April 28th owing to challenges in the time management department, but will be back at some later date. My thanks to John, David & Nathan for their support, patience and roll-ups.

I'm currently reading 'Hotel Pimodan' by David Harold, a collection of his poetry over the last decade. It's fresh, unique and full of observations of the minute, delicate things that move relationships into different orbits. Pity that he's too lard-arsed to get it published.

Anyway, here's one for D...


'Closing Time'

Together we stalked the shadows,
of the dispossessed, the forgotten.
Alms became blood money,
failing to bathe the guilt of the blind,
as we staggered across the paths of the unseen.
Glistening cheeks a silent acknowledgement
that it wasn't enough.

10^th March 2005, San Francisco

Today's educational movie is dance like a white dude (parental advisory: no sign of 'white man's overbite')

If you're looking for some interesting artwork to tart up your abode/den/gimp cage, you can do much worse than picking film posters. I am slayed by those of Polish films, particularly Wajda.

That's it for now...I need a drink.

LPR, Fearless

Wait, there's a little more...

Before I start ploughing through my weekend workload (writing training material), I must start planning my next batch of hobo tours (Warsaw/Krakow, Marrakech, Beirut). It is also time to bow to the inevitable, and restructure all the poems into a series of mini-collections. One of them will have to be about the joys of jacking off. I guess i'll have to self-publish that, perhaps on absorbent, bio-degradable paper, and leave copies in Central London phone boxes - that's one form of guerrilla marketing.

Anyway, I sign off with one for the election followers, fibbers and the generally self-absorbed & deluded.


'Fibbing 101'

What is the biggest lie?

Is it that Santa Claus exists,

or that storks bring neonate bliss?

Perhaps Muppets are real,

and Cookie Monster has no belly to conceal?

Maybe it's that which stirs a patriotic roar

on the eve of yet another distracting war?

It's possible for it to be the mist

that conceals the misplaced and much-missed, but

then again, it could be the lie you perpetrate on another,

sacrificing guilt-free slumber.

I think not.

It's not the lies you take or give.

Rather, the biggest lie of all

is the one you live.

G&T, furniture and prangs

What a delightful day it's been. Started off by pranging the car, then bounced off office furniture as if I was in a pinball machine. Still, it was worth enduring that and a near finger amputation to see my brothers house after stacks of decorating. Even better for the cool G&T. Shame about what happened to the carpet only hours after it was laid. Oh well.

Now back to self-flagellation and dreams of midgets - well, it is the weekend.

Suction

I had of course
Become jaded over time

Nothing was good enough
So
Tired of the high life
I slummed it

Exchanged Jaguar for Skoda
My exhaust pipe love
Just kept getting bolder

Domestic chores
Oh so boring
Before I discovered Dyson
Now I can't stop vacuum whoring!

Car and carpet
Are in fine fettle
Domestic electrical appliances
I will nakedly wrestle

I daren't confess
I am
In a sodding mess

Almost inconsequential...

Mighty respect to the Zippo lighter company for replacing the innards of my classic companion free of charge, with a one week turnaround. Buy one, even if you don't smoke:

http://www.zippo.co.uk/lighters.php

Trivia sites of the week thus far are:

http://www.rentmyson.com/

http://airlinemeals.net/

http://www.teddyscares.com/

You couldn't make this stuff up. In a blatant attempt to be serious and thoughtful, here is a link to an article about Blogging and Journalism - interesting for me as a former industry analyst:

http://www.siliconvalley.com/mld/siliconvalley/11426073.htm

Happy reading. It's time for me to go back to watching Jabba the Hutt maul the car park with his JCB digger, while I taunt my colleague with a doughnut.

It's not racist to call a politician a tosser

'Electioneering'

What kind of language

would you like

your firing squad to speak?

Whether New Labour[TM],

Liberal or Tory,

it's the same old story.

Enter BNP, UKIP or Liberal,

we never think

the situation is that critical.

Don the blindfold,

cast your vote;

until you learn and lobby,

you won't have a hope.


Manifesto, my ass! Immigration raises its evil hide again, as it did in previous elections, like the one in 1979. The Tories have a poster campaign with the line suggesting it 'Isn't racist' to put limits on immigration. Who said that it was racist? Nobody, but it would appear that the Tory manifesto is targeted at the kind of f*ckwit who begins their frothing monologue with 'I'm no racist, but...'.

Immigration has cultural and economic benefits and is humane & compassionate (think Afghanistan, Iraq, Somalia, Zimbabwe, Yugoslavia). It does however, need to be fairer and be seen to be fair, both in terms of processing times and the half-arsed 'dispersal' policy.

If the 'developing world' let you invade their country and ransack their oil and minerals, then you should at least let them flee here.

The statistics tell an interesting story. According to The Economist, in 2003, Britain accepted 140,000 settlers from outside the EU. That is 0.3% of Britains adult population. By contrast, Canada lets in 1% of its total population in new settlers every year.

(Remember Canada for a moment)

Only 5% of the British population were born abroad, compared with 9% of Germans, and a whopping 23% of Australians.

(Remember Australia - and don't forget Canada)

Is it a flood? No, not at all. It is an increase, but lets face it, some pretty mad sh*t kicked off around the world and people naturally learnt athletics and got the hell out - would you stick around to get your goolies cut off and stuck down your throat? Thought not...

Much of the problem with immigration is sheer ignorance on the part of the electorate, making them gullible targets for politicians. So ask yourself some serious questions, find the answers for yourself, and then use your vote. You'd be pretty hacked off if it was taken away from you.

And if you don't like my views on immigration, then please bugger off to Australia or Canada.

Civil Liberties

'Banana Republic Blues'
When he polarises the masses
through a climate of fear,
changes the law
assuming you don't care,
and allows detention
without trial or sight of evidence,
making suspects vanish in thin air-
Remember,
it's not just Mugabe in Harare
- it's also going on here.

I spent some time casting my votes for the directors of Liberty. I cringed at the thought that both our Prime Minister and the leader of the opposition are barristers, and that much of Liberty's directorship are also lawyers. I wanted to vote for some non-lawyers, people more connected with everyman's everyday struggles, but from the paperwork given to me, I wasn't sure which agenda I would be voting in - a reminder that democracy isn't the same as transparency.

Terrorists want us to live in fear. A fearful society closes it's borders, reduces civil liberties and then eats itself, as politicians campaign using the levers of fear, uncertainty and doubt. I think we are giving both terrorists and politicians what they want by doing nothing, so don't just sit there staring at this! Do something useful today:

http://www.liberty-human-rights.org.uk/

http://www.opendemocracy.net

Love, peace & respect,

Fearless

Fearless

But this one is a little less threatening:

The Blues...

It's over, Rover. As redundancy notices are handed out to the Longbridge workers, the politicians - in the midst of an election campaign - barrage the directors of Rover. Only time (and due diligence of the Rover accounts) will tell the truth behind this sorry saga.

This sideshow misses out on the real action. SIAC (Shanghai Auto) had already acquired from Rover the intellectual property to make cars and engines - did they really need a car plant in the UK, when they could build cars more cheaply in China? Remember, the Communist Party needs to create work for the increasingly urbanised Chinese population.

It's a sad fact, but not only is it hard to make money in the car industry (look at the Ford & GM financials), but it has been doubly hard in the UK for the last 30 years. Now that the Longbridge plant will be mothballed, SIAC could pick up machinery at knockdown prices.

This is the second time for Rover. Back when BMW owned Rover, they acquired the 4 x 4 know-how (traction control, etc) from Land Rover, and the packaging expertise (the original Mini, Metro & Maxi come to mind) from the core Rover brand, to be used in the BMW X5, BMW 1 Series and BMW Mini.

People shouldn't be surprised. The lesson is: volume car manufacture is tough and ultimately, a cash burner, as you need to sell an awful lot of cars to make a profit and pay for new model development - the global car industry makes millions more cars than it can sell.

Yes, Rover could have partnered or been acquired, but who on earth wanted to be saddled with the liabilities of the pension fund and an aging product range?

The trick is to pick a niche and concentrate on higher margins, e.g. roadsters. Alchemy proposed such a deal several years ago (focusing on the MG brand), but the resultant job losses were unpalatable. Yep, a lot of people would have lost their jobs, but in the current scenario, everyone loses out.

And the election campaign goes on...