In the continuing series of profiles about childrens TV characters...

'The Real Zippy'

You just couldn't keep a secret, could you? Bungle's submissiveness in the face of Geoffrey's carnal desires was but a private affair. Surreptitiously snapping away as Geoffrey slavered and Bungle's fur flew, you blackmailed them, inadvertently destroying your own career in the process, as the TV network canned the series.

Can you hear them coming for you Zippy?

With no TV agent to represent you, and chased out of the house by George with the aid of a stapler, you hastened to hustle for Raymond's Revue Bar in Soho, turning tricks in the nearby adult cinema while wearing a raincoat with two false arms attached, dazzling the Johns with your dexterity - thanks to your unique concoction of WD40, Vaseline (stolen from George's make-up case) and a 12 Volt DC motor in one of your joints. One night, in raw reaction to your horror of discovering that it was Geoffrey that you were fistin' off in the back row, you snapped his cock off with a deft flick of your wrist, ending his pension gig as holiday rep/stud for Saga Holidays in ignominy.

Can you hear the banjo twanging in the night, Zippy?

Still regarded as a trusted foot soldier, you rose steadily through the ranks. But old habits die hard, don't they Zipperoo? Freebasing crack cocaine with Buzby Bird, setting the feathered slacker alight - how that fowl howled - but you enjoyed your Sunday roast (did you remember to floss those feathers out?). Sure, nobody remembered Busby after his 1970s heyday, but the Capo was suspicious when the takings were slow and low, so you flipped to the Serious Crime Squad. Now you're under witness protection, but you know, you're not the only one who can't keep a secret...

Can you hear the tambourine as they come up the stairs, Zippy?

Do you recognise the three faces in on your hit, as they peer down at you while you stir in bed, Zippy?

Do you remember the names Rod, Jane & Freddy, Zippy?

Well, do you, you cloth-hewn what-the-fuck?

The Real Shifty, Slippery, Slimy Zippy

Dispatches from the Inaction Faction

Two Weeks Down, Two Weeks Left

I flew out with NickyVideo on the 15th. At LHR, I asked him if he had locked the case with all the demo kit. Nope. So as he gently turned the key in the lock, it snapped off. Cue 'suitcase surgery' at our first meeting in HK. I won't mention him dropping his boarding card, etc, but he agrees that I have a travel curse - on others.

From HK to Taipei & Hsinchu, meeting up with Max - all the while NickyVideo and I scoffed and guzzled like GutRotHogs™. We ran the chilli contest yet again. Max & NickyV shared one hotpot while I had one to myself, cruising to victory yet again, while Max & NickyV accelerated toward the toilets (exit skidmark left).

Shanghai was ace. I took NickyV on a boat trip up the Huangpu River and we checked out the Bund. Talking of the Bund, we can recommend the Glamour Bar. In fact, just to be certain in our advice, we checked it out several times. We also popped into People 7 (sorry Murphy, still haven't tried that other place on Julu Road) where I gave washroom hints to tourist fuckwits (it's deliberately confusing, in case you think the advice I gave was 'you take out your winkie and point it here', etc).

We didn't get a chance to check out Wynn Win and other clubs in Shanghai. After all, we were there to work. When we met GT, he yet again found another cracking restaurant.

Nick remarked that he first thought that Shanghai was misty, only to realise soon after that it has a serious smog problem. But the scale of China's pollution didn't hit him until we got to Beijing. Beijing has a population of approximately 15M and as the megacity grows, it encroaches upon the desert, resulting in sandstorms (like the one I experienced in April) and general pollution (the millions of bicycles from photos of 1970s vintage have given way to thousands of cars).

Interesting to think that while China is an emerging economic superpower and an ancient civilisation, its rapid economic growth will be arrested by the low birth rate - a direct result of the haphazardly-enforced 'One Child Policy'. This has implications for China as a low-cost manufacturing base (as an example, Shenzhen manufactures most of the World's consumer electronic products), as scarce resource will become an increasingly expensive resource. Mind you, other emerging economies have their problems too. India has a higher birth rate, but also a higher rate of illiteracy. I was discussing this last night with a professor who conducts research into social and industrial policy in China - he asked me why I didn't go back to being an analyst (I wonder why too).

Beijing is bloody cold. As I messed up my preparation for the trip, I didn't pack a coat or jacket - although the weather forecasts I checked did suggest warmer weather in Beijing. I therefore legged it to Silk Street in Beijing's CBD and got myself some GenuineFakes™. I got a watch (mainly because D got one and it would wind up Shambly). I also got a 'Timberland' fleece to keep me warm, but only because it was the only thing I found palatable. This location was also the home for a tailor recommended to me by Weiyee Inn (aka 'the only way in'). I presented them with Wei's card of introduction and they set about measuring me. Two cashmere suits, with funky lining and yes, cuffs that unbutton. I'll pick them up tomorrow (I have already been for my final fitting).

I am now in my 6th hotel in two weeks. Here's the rundown:

• Taipei: Ritz Landis (oldie but goodie with a terrific Chinese restaurant in the basement)
• Hsinchu: The Royal (crawling with chip perverts like myself)
• Shanghai: Purple Mountain (fab)
• Beijing: Jade Palace (first time to try this in place of the Tianhong Plaza. I don't like either of them)
• Beijing: Empark (5 star but shite which I swear is a front for the Chinese version of the KGB, judging from their customer service)
• Beijing: Shangri-La Kerry Centre (good facilities, but full of horrible ex-pats at the weekend, and touristy fuckwittish morons)

I still have more hotels waiting for me in Taipei (again), Seoul and my cousin's apartment in Tokyo. At least I have enjoyed the company of NickyVideo, 'the pure, unbesmirched' Mr. Tosh and will soon be joined by D.

The Long Road Back is the Only Way Forward

That sums up what I have been thinking for quite some time. I got some potentially bad news the day before I flew out here two weeks back. I was flustered while packing, explaining why I bolloxed that up a bit (I overpacked yet missed out on a coat).

The last 30 years have been pretty tough (I kid ye not) but I wouldn't have it any other way. Obstacles are great, because they give you something to push against, and develop your potential.

As I wrote to a friend earlier today, there ain't no way in a FUCK I am still supposed to be alive. I didn't ask to be born (mainly because I was too busy as an embryo), but now that I am here, I have no intention of leaving. Even if the bouncers ask me to leave 'nicely'.

They can go fuck their luck.

Shouts out to: Blondie & Da Bomb, Lola (you like 'Macaca', I like 'Bunda') & my sister Anj (get well soon)

Listening to: Candie Payne, Amy Winehouse, Crazy Horse, Lee Hazelwood, Conjure, Lenny Bruce, Bill Hicks, Richard Pryor & Wheedle's Groove - the best raregroove funk from Seattle

Vlad the quiet

Vladimir Putin is being pretty quiet about the murder of Anna Politkovskaya. Here's the link to her final dispatch for Novaya Gazeta (Mikhail Gorbachev recently purchased a stake in this popular political opposition newspaper), reprinted in The Independent.

Xenophobia, illegal state takeovers, state-sponsored breakdown of law and order & the war in Chechnya do help to create the impression that Russia is sliding towards fascism, as summarised in the latest issue of the Economist.

But maybe you don't care, as you don't live in Russia - or Chechnya, Georgia, Ukraine, Moldova...

...Russia's miles away! Too far away to have any effect. I mean, it's not like they are an emerging energy superpower, is it?

With a widening gap between house prices and incomes, the spiralling cost of healthcare, a predominantly service-based economy (little of which can be exported), employment costs consistently undercut by several competing economies, pension funds running on empty, an ageing workforce (so we need immigrants to sustain growth), a continuing erosion of civil liberties, and an increasing number of surveilance cameras as well as the proposed ID cards - where do you think the UK is heading?

I need to brush up on my Roman history. If I remember correctly, democracy was an experiment that lasted a few decades, but then went out of fashion for an awfully long time. Might the same happen to democracy now? If you don't fight for it, you forfeit it.

I remember when I joined the Polytechnic of Central London (now Westminster Uni). A student guide said 'We are not a police state, but a policed one'.

Times are changing.

Are you pliable?

W- W-, Wa-

Wankybilly. WOMAD will no longer host its event in Reading, after a 17 year partnership. That's a serious pisser for me. But then, the festival has outgrown the town - from 5,000 to 40,000 visitors a time. I hope RISC can come up with something to fill the summer slot at Rivermead.

Thinking about: Moholy-Nagy, Robert Brownjohn, samizdat and tamizdat.

If it's popcorn...

...then it's the flix. I thought of watching 'Man Push Cart' tomorrow at the NFT, but it has had mixed reviews (and I need to pack for my next trip), so I may wait 'til I can grab it on DVD.

I will also have to skip 'Keane' and 'The Perverts Guide to the Cinema' which is being screened at the ICA. I have to admire the Slovenian theorist - Slavoj Zizek - as he talks about floaters (side note to Da Bomb - now you know that I am not the only one writing or talking about poo and toilets).

Listening to: the phrasing of Amy Winehouse in her new single 'Rehab'

Chapman at POP

Last night I chugged along to see Chapman perform an acoustic set at POP on Soho Street. He stood out from the other bands who were engaged in the growing-up process of playing the same ol' same ol'.

His set was sublime, featuring 'all my life', 'burning bridges' and 'below freezing' amongst others. It was the first time I could listen to his music without having tears in my eyes - I guess sitting amongst his hardcore fans also provided some peer pressure to have a stiff upper lip!

Fuck, the boy can sing! He deserves to be much better known than he is (just like Barry Adamson, come to think of it), so please pop along to his gigs in London (October) and Leeds (December) - details on his MySpace page. You can also download his music from iTunes and buy the CD from CDbaby. If you go to the gig, he might even let you stroke his blonde hair.

Anyway, best of luck to Dom & Da Bomb.

Roman emperor's thumbs down to: Homerton Hospital (their home page describes them as innovative and friendly - lying bastards) and music biz managers

Listening to: Funkadelic, Chapman & Cat Stevens

Londonitourist

I didn't feel like writing, so I went to the Hayward Gallery to checkout 'How to Improve the World' a festival of 60 years of British Art. Worth catching - featuring artists as diverse as Hockney, Freud, Bacon, Hepworth, Moore, Hirst & Ofili.

I couldn't get a ticket to see Rodin at the RA, but as that will run until January i'll catch it when I get back.

The Tate Modern was featuring 'Poetry & Dream' - an exhibition of lesser-known surrealist works. Carsten Holler's slides in the turbine hall were a big draw. It was also the spot where a striking-looking young woman was snapping away at me (must have been my shuffling gait and pimp jacket).



The final stop was the Purcell Room, which had bi-lingual readings of the latest Russian fiction from young authors published in Glas (you could call it Russia's equivalent of Granta). Particularly striking was 'Argun' by Arkady Babchenko, who wrote of his experiences as a Russian army conscript fighting in Chechnya. The war dragged him out of law school, and since being demobilised, he has worked as a journalist for Novaya Gazeta - he had the office next door to Anna Politkovskaya, who was murdered on Saturday.

RIP, Anna Politkovskaya

'The journalist's job is to produce articles, commentary, interviews. The tears you sometimes shed are irrelevant: you describe what you see, get the facts together and analyse them. Full stop.'

Anna Politkovskaya (1958-2006), murdered at home in Moscow, joining Kholodov, Yudina, Starovoitova, Yushenkov, Klebnikov & Kozlov.

If you're interested in the work of reporters like Politkovskaya, check out the Lettre Ulysses award and Reporters without Borders.

The Peninsula of Bad Options

OK, so they have a bomb. No, they still can't feed their people, and food aid is diverted to the military. Will he use it? I doubt it. It does however, strengthen his bargaining position, which is why there had to be a test explosion to confirm its existence. Will he sell it? Quite possibly. But then, the USA and the UK sell weapons to repressive regimes. Insanity is not a partisan thing. They're all nuts.

Here's an article on North Korea from a 2003 issue of the New Yorker

'States like these, and their terrorist allies, constitute an axis of evil, arming to threaten the peace of the world.'

George W. Bush

The biggest diplomatic blunder of the 21st Century

'The Departed' by Scorsese

The Cistern Kid and I watched it earlier tonight. Pretty good, but I get the impression that it was heavily edited - there was lots going on that hadn't been explained, and there was the odd hole. It reminded me of the story behind 'Gangs of New York', where Scorsese shot several hours of footage, and producer Harvey Weinstein of Miramax was heaping pressure on the director to cut back on the screentime. Leonardo DiCaprio acted well (despite the intensely boyish babyface - he's 3 years younger than me!) and came across with lots of DeNiro-like mannerisms.

Serial Screw-up

So I now have a week off before my four week APAC tour starts next Sunday. I figured I would catch Brecht's 'The Life of Galileo' at the National and also 'Frost/Nixon' at the Donmar. Well, the latter has already closed, and tickets for 'Gailileo' are only available for performances while I am away, and it closes before I get back.

Nice planning, huh? Here's a blog of what else sucks.

Only in the countryside...

'Dead Bachelors in Remote China Still Find Wives' from the NY Times, as well as 'Funeral Strippers'. I don't post these as sweeping generalisations of Chinese culture (because such phenomena isn't common), but as the more 'interesting' side of countryside culture - wherever you are in the World (not just the China countryside).

Lists

Colum McCann's top 10 novels on poets in the Guardian. Not sure about this, but I can recommend the Kundera title, read many years ago. I wonder what happened to my copy?

Barry Adamson at the Jazz Cafe

It was an excellent gig. The set was based mostly on his new album 'Stranger on the Sofa' which I hadn't previously heard. It's got a depth I haven't seen in his work before (and I really liked the previous stuff). Sonically amazing and lyrically playful yet powerful (you can tell I can't write about music for shit).

The musicianship was excellent, although the band did look like a bunch of cabbies who work the night shift south of the river. Barry was the consumate showman, but he himself eschewed instruments until right at the end, when he performed an acoustic number (with harmonica). No Adamson performance is complete without a classic soul or funk cover to close. Last time I saw him it was Curtis Mayfield's 'Pusherman' and this time it was Sly Stone's 'Thank You (Falettinme Be Mice Elf Again)'.

Upcoming single to watch out for: 'Rehab' by Amy Winehouse (she's also done a cover of the Philly Soul classic 'Me & Mrs Jones' immortalised by Billy Paul)

Proof that Professor Neil Postman was right back in 1985: 'Is God a fella?' and 'I want my boyfriend to give birth to our baby!' - stories on daytime terrestrial TV in the UK this morning.

Boozer that lived up to its name last night: the World's End. OK, its a big pub and is home to Underworld, but late last night managed only a magnetic attraction to the dregs, and worst of all, there was a strong smell of baked piss emanating from the gents. Truly the end.

Leftfield musical heads-up

If you liked 'Popshopping' on the Crippled Dick Hot Wax label, then you should check out 'Music for Biscuits', a Mike Sammes compilation on Trunk Records (I just heard 'Vespa' and a couple of others on BBC 6).

Reading: 'The Successor' by Ismail Kadare, a semi-fictional retelling of the 'suicide' of Mehmet Shehu, Enver Hoxha's number two in Albania

Chapman gig

Chapman will be performing an acoustic set at Pop (Soho St.) in Soho on Wednesday the 11th at 7.30pm - definitely worth catching.

I'm off to see Barry Adamson at the Jazz Cafe tomorrow night.

I am sorely tempted to go to the KPM gig on Friday.

After that? Jocelyn Brown, Incognito and the great Leon Ware.

Oh...what to do, what to do?

Best of luck to Da Bomb for tomorrow x

A new find (and some others)

An interesting site for sourcing World cinema. I have already ordered Rivette's 'Celine & Julie Go Boating'. Shame the site doesn't have Alain Tanner's 'Jonah, Who Will Be 25 in the Year 2000' or Melville's 'Army in the Shadows'.

Also...

Persephone Books (neglected books by women, for women and about women)

Much Ado Books (check out the recovered notebooks)

Abe Books

Coco (one for me, D & Kristof)

Hidden Art

DJ Friendly Records

Era Vintage

Audioville

That wascally writer...

'I've been smoking Pall Mall unfiltered cigarettes since I was 12 or 14. So I'm going to sue the Brown & Williamson Tobacco Company, who manufactured them. And do you know why?'

'Lung cancer?'

'No. No. Because I'm 83 years old. The lying bastards. On the package, Brown & Williamson promised to kill me. Instead, their cigarettes didn't work. Now I'm forced to suffer leaders with names like Bush and Dick and, up until recently, 'Colon'.'

Kurt Vonnegut