In the continuing series of profiles about childrens TV characters...

'The Real Zippy'

You just couldn't keep a secret, could you? Bungle's submissiveness in the face of Geoffrey's carnal desires was but a private affair. Surreptitiously snapping away as Geoffrey slavered and Bungle's fur flew, you blackmailed them, inadvertently destroying your own career in the process, as the TV network canned the series.

Can you hear them coming for you Zippy?

With no TV agent to represent you, and chased out of the house by George with the aid of a stapler, you hastened to hustle for Raymond's Revue Bar in Soho, turning tricks in the nearby adult cinema while wearing a raincoat with two false arms attached, dazzling the Johns with your dexterity - thanks to your unique concoction of WD40, Vaseline (stolen from George's make-up case) and a 12 Volt DC motor in one of your joints. One night, in raw reaction to your horror of discovering that it was Geoffrey that you were fistin' off in the back row, you snapped his cock off with a deft flick of your wrist, ending his pension gig as holiday rep/stud for Saga Holidays in ignominy.

Can you hear the banjo twanging in the night, Zippy?

Still regarded as a trusted foot soldier, you rose steadily through the ranks. But old habits die hard, don't they Zipperoo? Freebasing crack cocaine with Buzby Bird, setting the feathered slacker alight - how that fowl howled - but you enjoyed your Sunday roast (did you remember to floss those feathers out?). Sure, nobody remembered Busby after his 1970s heyday, but the Capo was suspicious when the takings were slow and low, so you flipped to the Serious Crime Squad. Now you're under witness protection, but you know, you're not the only one who can't keep a secret...

Can you hear the tambourine as they come up the stairs, Zippy?

Do you recognise the three faces in on your hit, as they peer down at you while you stir in bed, Zippy?

Do you remember the names Rod, Jane & Freddy, Zippy?

Well, do you, you cloth-hewn what-the-fuck?

The Real Shifty, Slippery, Slimy Zippy