Going Dutch

I have just returned from a long weekend in Amsterdam/Alkmaar. How did it go? Well, the self-incriminating bits aside, it kinda went like this...

Friday
I get to hear the Tao of Rashid, my 4.30am taxi driver. We talk about Punjab province in Pakistan (he's from Islamabad, and my lot hail from Lahore) and compare the number of points on our driving licenses. I win, although I am now down to 6 from 12.

At Starbucks in Terminal 4, a Russian glamourpuss sits next to me, weary as she is, of the sweaty, slobbering, besuited f*ckbarrell pervs. I tell her that they are actually looking and slobbering over me and show her why. She had a striking face, particularly so when she smiled. I board the plane, and explain to the stewardess that I am a tranny, but being my day off, she didn't have to serve me before she served the male passenger in my row. I almost elicited a smile, before it was stampeded by a look of utter disbelief, from page 5 of the 'Trolley-Dolly Guide to In-Flight Facial Expressions'.

On arrival I was collected by my cousin Adnan. I demand to be taken to see naked 'Dutch women with clothes on', so after saying hi to my Aunt, he takes me to the beach in Alkmaar. After a long walk & talk session, he observes that I have brought the weather over with me. We run back to the car to return home, but not before he has taken me to a cafe where I exclaim my delight (loudly) at there being so many naked Dutch women (with clothes on).

We go deep into Alkmaar and I manage to get a leather jacket (yes, I packed in a hurry), but what was better was the news that it was the start of the herring season. After that, it was the fishy breath blues all the way, as I waltzed towards and wheezed over naked Dutch women (with clothes on).

Later I 'discuss' with my Aunt & cousins the fate of my ex wife, best summarised like so:

'Disclosure'

I was, as is custom,
the last to know.
They hesitated telling me,
unsure of my likely reaction.
I am ashamed to admit that
hearing you had remarried
did indeed pain me,
if only because I fell off the chair
whilst laughing most heartily.

Saturday
Wunderkinder Sara gives me a demonstration of her driving prowess, as I head towards the Van Gogh museum. I didn't realise that Van Gogh started painting from 27, only putting down his brush to pick up a gun and shoot himself at 37.

I continued looking for naked Dutch - (you know the rest), while Kamran was window shopping.

In the evening, I got to see Nitin Sawhney on the last date of his European tour at the Paradiso. He used the same visuals from the RFH show in November, and had five singers, including Tina Grace (the lady with the serious feline features who I was secretly in love with - until just disclosed it) and the mighty Devinder Singh. They gave another cracking rendition of 'Homelands'.

Kamran disappointed me by observing that Tina Grace was wearing a wedding ring (we were at the front), and that she was getting on a bit. He didn't make me feel any better when he remarked that I too, am getting on a bit. Glad I made the cheeky git walk for miles that day.

Sunday
Forgot to take the medication for the 2nd day running. Am unbowed, but knackered. Watching 'Seinfeld', Kamran & Adnan start comparing me to the character of 'George Costanza' (played by Jason Alexander) - ostensibly because of my diabolically bad luck with girlfriends. I kept my head down, and finished the 'Polysyllabic Spree' by Nick Hornby, as well as a back issue of 'The Believer'.

Under fire, with 'George' comparisons raining overhead, I find a copy of 'Catch-22' by Joseph Heller. I hadn't read the book since I was 17yo, but I was reminded of the influence this book has had on me. I spent the rest of the day reacquainting myself with my old friend and reminiscing.

Monday
Went to the Tropen Museum with Adnan to see an exhibition about evil. Unfortunately, it was really about the various manifestations of the devil across different cultures, and did not address the deeper theme of the evil inside each one of us (and that includes you).

My manic laughter in the darkest parts of the exhibition failed to stir Adnan - but then it wouldn't, as he is a former marine. My lip smacking sounds during an exorcism film clip did make a Charles Manson lookalike laugh though.

What did I learn from the exhibition? That Catholics really know how to scare the shit out of children and set them up for a life of fear.

The journey back was uneventful, but I did get to see lots of naked women with their clothes on.

I never did get the Casio Exilim camera (same width and height as a credit card, and only 1.2cm thick) for my undercover snaps, despite the deal on offer at Schiphol airport. However, I will be in Japan for the last week of June, so I expect to get the latest kit from Akihabara to bolster my exisiting Olympus C765-UZ, which is too bulky due to its 10X zoom. It's a voyeur's mission to get the best.